I'm a pretty private person. I know; I know. But I have a public blog and share details of my life and blah, blah, blah. That's all true, but there's quite a bit that I hold in and keep to myself.
I sometimes wonder why that is, why it's in my nature to be quiet and reserved. It's not necessarily that I'm shy (sure, there's a bit of that around new people but I get over that fairly quickly). I don't think that would be an accurate depiction of who I am.
Much of it, I think, is just a matter of...hmm...I guess it's time to do some soul-searching.
- Trust. That, of course, is something that has to be earned. And I don't give it easily, but when I do, I give it wholeheartedly. Sure, I've been burned a couple of times. That just means I never trust that person again; it doesn't mean I give up on trusting everyone else.
- Observation. I like to hear what other people have to say, and I don't feel the need to monopolize a conversation. I think that listening is a lost art. I think most people wait to speak rather than hearing what other people have to say. Sure, there are times when I have an opinion that I'm going to share, but I'd rather hear people out and form new opinions and ideas based off of it.
- Respect. There are sometimes some pretty mean things that go through my head. Sarcastic, snide, and just nasty. Why would I say those things aloud or share that side of my personality? People always laugh and tell me that I'm so nice, that I don't have a mean bone in my body, etc. See how good I am at keeping aspects of my self hidden?
- Love. I wouldn't have the people around me feeling hurt because of me. That's not fair and not right. And I understand people and psychology enough to know that sharing certain aspects will hurt them. Not intentionally. But perception plays a heavy part in how we process information. I could say something innocent and it can be taken the wrong way. So, sometimes I hold stuff in so as not to be misperceived and so as not to cause hurt feelings.
I think that's the main part of it. Sometimes I wish I were different. In fact, I've tried to dip my toes in the waters of outspoken people over the past couple of months. I think even that little change has made too many waves.
People are used to the person that I portray and when I stray from that? It throws their world off-kilter.
I think it best to stick to the tried and true. For now.